Be sure to laugh really hard at the first one.

And be sure to watch for Zeus in the second one.

For the last 11 years, I’ve been convinced that no one could ever be as good as Michael Jordan.  Kobe, to me, simply does not compare.  Michael was much more explosive off the dribble and more ruthless than Kobe.  Not DWade.  He needs to be a couple of inches taller to be able to do more damage, post guys up, etc.  Never Vince Carter.  Total softy.  But now, for the first time, I’m starting to wonder.  I don’t get to watch a lot of the NBA, but everytime I’ve seen Lebron James this year – especially thus far in the playoffs – it’s been nothing short of amazing.  He could end up being the best ever.

Top – Friday face.  Bottom – Monday face.

(Preface – I love teachers.  Teachers are awesome.)

I should have been a teacher.  I can’t think of any other job in America where you get roughly 10 – 12 weeks of vacation per year, plus sick leave days.  According to the handbook, I think I can work my way up to 4 weeks of vacation once I’m at my current job for like 22 years.

The most damning sign that I’m getting old – I now really like using Old Spice after I shave.  Stuff smells awesome.

One nice thing about owning a bottom-of-the-line Hyundai Accent.  You never have to worry about locking the doors.  I mean, seriously, who wants to steal a Hyundai Accent?

I have a gadget on my I-Google home page that shows up-to-date “hot trends” – basically the hot Google searches from around the nation, as they are occuring.

At this moment,  the 4th highest rated hot trend Google Search is Bruce Pearl.  This could have some UT fans worried.

June, 1994.  I had just recently graduated from high school, and my youth minister, Rob, was one of my closest friends.  On the evening of June 17, which I’m guessing was a Friday or Saturday night, Rob and I were hanging out, doing pretty much nothing.  Which is all there is to do in a farming town of 2500 people.

Not too long before this, in a town next to us called Lebanon, Lebanon Christian Church had hired a new senior minister.  Bud Owens.  Yep.  Bud.  And whatever you probably think of to hear the name “Bud”, he embodied it.  Bud was about 26 years old, big, burly, liked to wear a cowboy hat, drove an old truck, talked country, the works.  Lebanon Christian is my grandparents home church, and we had already worked a week of camp together, so I knew Bud fairly well. 

Anyway, it’s probably 9:00pm, and Rob and I decide to go visit Bud unannounced.  He had been renting this old, run down house in the boonies of Lebanon.  It took us a while to find the house, because we only knew the vicinity it was in, but had never been there.  Finally, probably around 10:00pm, we found the house, and recognized the truck in the driveway, assured we were at the right place. 

It’s dark outside by now, even in June.  We knock on the door.  Knock again, harder.  We hear a sort of grunt in the room on the other side.  Some movement. 

“WHO’S THERE!?” yells a loud, gruff, angry voice on the other side. 

“Bud, it’s me and Jason!” yells Rob. 

“Who!?  What do you want?”  Another angry yell.

“Bud, open the door!  It’s Rob and Jason.  From Springfield.”  At this point, we’re not exactly sure if he just awoke from slumber, doesn’t recognize our voices, or maybe is on drugs. 

“Damn it…hold on!” comes on another yell.  Rob and I are laughing.  Bud’s a weird character.  In fact, he’s still at Lebanon Christian today, 14 years later.  He dated my cousin Dianna once or twice.  She was infatuated with him actually…up until the night they went out.  She was soon un-infatuated. 

Finally, the knob turns.  The door opens.  And Bud is standing on the other side, wearing only a pair of boxes shorts, with a shotgun held to his side, pointed straight at us.  Now, I once shot a guy in the nuts with a bb gun (by accident, true story), but I’d never had a gun pointed at me.  Neither by a friend nor a foe.  Rob and I both jumped to the side of the door, yelling euphamistic profanities at Bud, ensuring him it’s just us, not intruders. 

Bud rubs his eyes, realizes who we are, and as if he had never stood in the door in his boxers with a shotgun trained on us, invited us inside. 

We laughed about the event.  Soon, we headed went into his living room, sat down on an old couch and chair, and Bud proceeded to turn on his 9″ color tv sitting on the coffee table. 

And there it was.  OJ being chased down the interstate in the white Ford Bronco, police cars in pursuit, helicopters flying overhead providing the footage.  The boxers and the shotgun were forgotten as we focused our attention for who knows how long on the bizarre event on the tiny tv screen.  OJ had apparently killed someone, fled the scene, and was now on a futile car chase in southern California. 

A few months later, I remember my roomate Andy (we called him Buddha) and I running full speed back to our dorm room from class to catch the OJ trial and the verdict….not guilty.  I remember feeling stunned, not necessarily knowing if he was guilty or not, just having come to the conclusion that he would be “found” guilty. 

And now, 13 years later, The Juice is off to jail.  I never saw him play, although I did see him act, and he was a bad actor.  I have no personal feelings toward The Juice, only to think it sad that someone of such great stature in the world of sports has fallen so far.  And, at the very least, I’m thankful for the night that he diverted my thoughts from the barrel of a gun, and instead directed them to a 9-inch television.

Who among anyone living picked the Tennessee Titans to win 10 or more games this year?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Chad Pennington and the Dolphins (1-15 last season) are actually battling Brett Favre (retired, unretired, took Pennington’s job) and the New York Jets for the division lead/title.  I love it.

Misty May Treanor is the best volleyball player maybe ever.  Indoor or outdoor.  Incredible instincts, fast, smart, soft touch, good placement.  Plays many dozens of beach volleyballs matches a year.  Fought through the Olympics with her playing partner and won the gold medal…..then goes on a freaking dancing show and tears her achillis tendon.  That’s just not fair, man.  Not fair at all.

I enjoy keeping up with NASCAR.  There’s a lot of good intrigue, some fights, arguments, great characters, funny advertising.  I appreciate what they do and the risk they take.  But I swear I cannot watch more than 7 laps of action without just lapsing (pun intended) into complete boredom. 

I love it when new people join the Saturday Night Live cast.  Literally, just last week, two new women were introduced as “featured” players on the show.  And in the entire episode I think they garnered 8 seconds of screen time and spoke 9 words.  How funny is that?!  It’s fun to watch the newbies because you know they’re nervous, fighting for a job, hoping to be the next Will Ferrell or Molly Shannon.  I’ve seen some newbies I thought would be the next big thing and turned out to be disappointing (aka Fred Armisen).  I’ve seen other newbies who I didn’t care much for who’ve ended up being great (aka Seth Meyers, but only because of Weekend Update).  And…who’s with me here…how in the world is Keenan Thompson still on SNL?  This is his FIFTH season.  AAAHHHH.  Please, please, please, get a new black guy.  I’m begging you.

Greg Oden needs a good nickname.  I have some suggestion.  “Limpy”, “Crow Mag Num Man”, “Papaw”, “Greg the Leg Oden”, “The Tortoise”, “Needacane?”, “Sam Bowie, Jr”

A guy more diminutive than me just won the NL Cy Young Award.  Mr. Tim Lincecum ladies and gentleman, all 5′11″ and 170 lbs of him.  Unfortunately, because he plays for San Franciso, it’s possible you’ve never watched him pitch.  You’re loss.  It’s amazing.  It’s sort of like when you wind a pencil around and around a rubber band until you can’t wind it anymore, and then let ‘er fly. 

We’ve been into watching TV series that are out of DVD for about 4 months.  First it was Weeds.  Then Dexter.  Now we’re in the middle of both Six Feet Under and Madmen.  Man, this is the way to watch a tv series.  The waiting a week crap stinks.  Two Sundays ago, Erin and I watched FIVE episodes of Six Feet Under in one afternoon/evening.  It was incredible.  Up for future consideration, once we’re done with these….Flight of the Conchords, The Closer, The Shield, Entourage, and Arrested Development.

The last 3-4 weeks of fall have been the most beautiful I think I’ve ever seen.  And now it’s gone.  The orange, auburn, red, and yellow have pretty much all turned to brown.  The trees are beginning to look bare.  Low 60’s have been replaced by mid 40’s to lower 50’s.  Every year, I have to remind myself to really breathe in the beauty of fall.  It’s so amazing, but goes by so fast.  Luckily, now we’ve entered another 3-4 period of time in the year….the period in which I eat enough pumpkin pie to last until next year.  Loaded with Cool Whip.  Oh man, I’m so pumped.

In my sports thoughts from a month ago, I pondered how the Cubs might choke away their title hopes.  I kind of thought they would choke (it’s just what they do), I just didn’t expect it to be on a giant hunk of t-bone with no chance of recuscitation.  Whoa.

The NBA will be up and running soon.  From 1984 to 1998, the NBA experienced The Jordan Era, most likely the greatest, most entertaining, and well played basketball that we may ever see.  Then, from 1998 to 2005, we’ll call that The Thug Era.  Arrests, tattoos, fights, punks, and totally sloppy, one on one basketball ruled the nation.  But then, a ray of light.  2005 to 2008 has brought us Lebron, the Phoenix Suns, Dwayne Wade, Steve Nash, a championship for KG, the New Orleans Hornets, Chris Paul, and a relatively mature Allen Iverson, who at 32 is still faster and more sick than most 22 year old NBA players will ever be.  I’m starting to care again.  I just don’t really have a team, and that makes it hard.  And I don’t have cable, which means I can watch about 1 game a week, at most, if I’m so inclined.  COME ON NBA, GRAB ME, PULL ME, MAKE ME LOVE YOU AGAIN!!  That’s all I’m asking.

After the Mariners in 2001 – most wins ever in the regular season, see-ya-wouldn’t-wanna-be-ya in the playoffs – and this years Cubs, it’s sort of hard to remember that Lou Pinella won a ring with the Reds way back in 1990, the same year he got ejected from a game then pulled first base out of the ground and flung it, ala Bobby Knight, into the outfield.  Then picked it up, and flung it again.  Awesome.

Lance Armstrong is coming out of retirement to race again.  Old guys coming out of retirement is a 50/50 shot, man.  Some kill it, others get killed.  Where do you put your money on them?  Jordan, Roger Clemens, Brett Farve, Allan Houston, Rickey Henderson, Muhammad Ali, Martina Navritalova (at age 47 no less), Charles Oakley, Ricky Williams.  It’s a coin flip.  Lance is the greatest cyclist ever, but it’s been like 4 years, and this is not an event where you can pace yourself and take a day off every now and then.  However, it’ll probably be cool having his bud Matthew McConaughy cheering him on along the side of the road, showing off his pecs and playing the bongos nude. 

20-something year old PGA golfer in the 1980’s – 5′9″, 180 lbs, clean cut hair, green or plaid pants, cotton shirt with collar, hits the ball about 260, goes and gets a beer after the round, has to “pay his dues” to be respected on the tour.  If he plays well, will make about $100,000 to $150,000 a year in earnings and endoresements.   

20-something year old PGA golfer in 2008 – 6′1″, 170 lbs, gets all the media attention, wears $1000.00 outfits that look like they came from Banana Republic and then were dyed in pastel colors, wears only 100% polyester clothing, eats only chicken and salad, hits the ball about 305, and heads to his next media event after the round to promote one of his 14 sponsors.  Regardless of whether he plays well, will make about $2,000,000 to $10,000,000 a year in earnings and endorsements.

Does anyone reading this actually place real bets on sports?  Other than the very occasional $5.00 office pool, I have not.  I used to sell cars with a dude who had about $2000 to $3000 riding on various college and pro games every weekend.  He’d be at the dealership on Sundays, and never once speak to a customer because all he could do is check his computer or phone for sports updates.  I’m slowly starting to believe that this is much more common than I ever thought.  Maybe not to that scale, financially, as I’m sure most betters have more like $500 a week floating, but more in the regular habit of it. 

The Titans have an old Kerry Collins and pretty much no one else that you’ve ever heard of or can recall a statistic for, and they’re 5-0.  Indy has Peyton, Marvin, Reggie, Addai.  The Patriots have everyone back but Brady.  The Vikings have all-day Peterson.  The Saints have Drew Brees and Reggie Bush.  The Chargers have LT.  And they’re all struggling to play .500 football.  It’s probably what I love most about the NFL.  It’s the one professional sport, where, truly, from game to game, week to week, ANYBODY can beat ANYBODY, and every single game makes a huge difference.  A 2-4 record in basketball, baseball, or hockey pretty much means absolutely nothing, nada, squat.  A 2-4 record in the NFL is do or die time, pull up your jock strap time, eat your Campbell’s Chunky soup time, play every game like it’s your last time, because the chances are that you’re looking at heading home to play golf in December.

I didn’t see the Patriots game yesterday.  But it turns out the sound I heard outside our home yesterday wasn’t a jumbo jet flying overhead.  It was the ominous groan of fear eminating from the New England coast. 

I love Peyton Manning.  But it’s hard to admit he’s no Tom Brady.  With aging receivers and a continued mediocre defense, he’ll be hard pressed to put up Peyton-type numbers this year.  I’m thinking the Colts will be lucky to go 9-7. 

Today’s radio programming on the local sports talk station, The Sports Animal 990am:  6:00am – 10:00am, The Doc, Jeff, & Heather Show.  Topics of discussion?  UT sports and SEC football.  10:00am to Noon, The Sports Page.  Topics?  UT sports and SEC football.  Noon – 3:00pm, Sports Talk with Josh and John.  Topics?  UT sports and SEC football.  3:00pm to 7:00pm, Sports Talk with John & Jimmy.  Topics?  Yep, you guessed it.  UT sports and SEC football.  It makes me sick. 

This may sound a little feminine to say, but watching Roger Federer is almost like watching Brian Boitano with a tennis racket.  Graceful, smooth, never seems to be exerting effort, yet nearly flawless. 

Does it really require 162 baseball games during the regular season to figure out who belongs in the playoffs when it only requires 16 in the NFL and 82 in the NBA?  I mean, 162 games in 180 days during the heat of summer?  I like baseball, but if the games are much slower and the season much longer, I might almost rather hibernate than to keep up with it. 

If you ever meet a guy who competes in synchronized swimming, punch him.

If it wasn’t for the money, being an NFL player might suck.  Could you imagine playing a sport, working out, sweating, fighting, training, and spending 10 years of your life working as hard as you can to be the best you can be … in order to have an 8 year career that leaves you beaten up, injured, and in some type of physical pain for the rest of your life?  Hats off to those dudes.

Question of the year:  What way will the Cubs discover to choke away their title hopes?

Will there ever be another Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders?

Watching PGA golf without Tiger Woods is like going to a Cracker Barrell that doesn’t serve sweet tea…like turning on the Olympics and the only coverage is the air rifle prelimary rounds…like going to a baseball game featuring the Royals vs the Marlins…like going to a Passion conference only to find out that Tomlin, Crowder, Redman, and Hall all caught the flue, and you’re stuck with Don Moen for the weekend…like taking a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Indonesia, but not having known ahead of time it was monsoon season.

I like sports.

Is Michael Phelps really the greatest Olympian EVER? 

When did Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (one of them was on Weeds, season 3) go from being cute teen actresses to scary-looking, drugged up freakazoids?

I definitely lean more Democratic than Republican…but is anyone else as scared about Barak Obama as I am?

Things from the 70’s seem to keep coming back into style.  So will somebody please remake the Volkswagon Thing?

I had two vacation days scheduled for the end of this week.  I cancelled them because there’s so much going on at work I can’t keep up.  Does that mean I’m stupid and just working too much or that I’m a good, loyal employee?

Did anyone else really enjoy school lunch when they were growing up?  I did. 

If you a had a choice between a slow & glitchy computer or a gun to your head, which would you choose?  (think hard before deciding)

Has anyone ever done the math to figure out exactly how many animals were on the Ark?  We know the dimensions, right?  So we can calculate the floor space?  And we can estimate the size of various animals?  And therefore can’t we reasonably guess how many different types were on board? 

Is the Roman Catholic Church still universally relevant?

At what age will Tom Cruise actually start looking old?

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim embark on a sightseeing race across the state of North Dakota.  Which one dies of boredom first?

… I would totally be in love with Michael Phelps.  What an athlete.  Pretty much the only reason I have any interest in the 2008 Olympics – that and the smog.  Who doesn’t love smog?

to all the world, to the great blogosphere, to anyone at Crossings who might understand and care …

the great, amazing, unstoppable, unbeatable, undefeated world champion Corn Toss team of Dustin & Bill are NO LONGER undefeated. 

Major props to my teammate Ben Fair.  Way to bring it brother.