bruno vs eminem

Have you seen this yet??

Completely Useless Talent #1

I have the ability to cross only one eye at a time.

Now that I think about it, maybe it’s not completely useless.   Back in my church camp days, when I used to wear glasses more than contacts, I used to convince elementary, jr high, and sr high campers that I wore glasses NOT because of poor vision, but because I had a cross-eyed disease.  I would tell them my glasses has a special corrective lens that helped to keep my “crooked eye” straightened out.

Then…I would demonstrate.  (this was always so funny)  As I would take my glasses off, I would cross my eye.  Then, putting the glasses back on, I would uncross my eye.  I could do it over and over.  What a riot!!  It never failed to work.

permanent

euphemisms

“A euphemism is a substitution of an agreeable or less offensive expression in place of one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant to the listener; or in the case of doublespeak, to make it less troublesome for the speaker.  It also may be a substitution of a description of something or someone rather than the name, to avoid revealing secret, holy, or sacred names to the uninitiated, or to obscure the identity of the subject of a conversation from potential eavesdroppers. Some euphemisms are intended to be funny.”  (from wikipedia)

Euphemisms for Curse Words:  Shoot, darn, durn, gosh darn, dang, crap, gosh, terd, frick, freak, frack, SOB, SOL, FUBAR, bull, bullcrap, fart, screw it, fudge, crud, poop, bullhockey, jeez, geez, gee whiz, flip, shucks, frag, foo, fooey …. what am I missing?

Other Euphemisms, Random:  special needs, physically challenged, vertically challenged, post traumatic stress disorder, getting to third base, scoring, love gloves, passed away, went to sleep forever, we’re having him put down, sanitation officer, wellness programs, making whoopy, pre-owned vehicles, cutting excess salaries, working class neighborhood, correctional facility, unable to perform in clutch situations, escort service, and being held back a grade.

What are your favorites?  What have I missed?  As a Christian, are the cursing euphemisms acceptable to use, or is it just like cursing anyway, so it doesn’t matter?  Are euphemisms stupid?  Excuse me, I mean are euphemisms less mentally able?  Are they helpful?

More Questions

Where have all the cowboys gone?

For you betters out there … I give the over/under on the number of seasons before American Idol finally fizzles out at 4.5 season.  Where do you put your money? 

Who is this? 

 

 

When a comedian or performer has an awesome show, someone might tell him, “man, you killed it out there tonight!”  Doesn’t that sound extremely odd and anti-funny?  I mean, if an assassin successfully guns a man down, does a cohort tell him, “dude, you had them laughing so hard out there!” ?? No, because that makes no sense.  Why do we say so many things that make no sense?

Did you know you can occasionally catch re-runs of ALF weeknights on WGN?

Which would you choose?  $1,000,000 in a wire transfer.  Or $3,000,000 in pennies truckloaded to your home and dumped in your yard?

Scrubs might be my all-time-favorite-tv-show-that-I-almost-never-watched.  What’s yours?

Whoooo let the dogs out!?  Woof, woof, woof!

Isn’t the mere fact that the period of time from a presidential election in November to the time the new president actually takes office in January is referred to as the ”LAME DUCK” period enough to persuade Congress to possibly revise that procedure?

is it moving…or is it just you?

2 Reasons It’s Fun to Wear a Swim Mask

What is God Trying To Tell Me

Made some spaghetti last night, with meat sauce.  Yummy.  I’ve been in the habit of bringing my lunch to work for a long time now … can’t really afford to buy lunch everyday, not really sure how so many others can … and spaghetti is a great lunch option.  For about $6.00 you can make at least 5 servings of sketti and meat sauce, which provides a meal at home for 2 and 3 days worth of lunch.  Perfect. 

After I’d eaten some sketti, put my lunch servings into tupperware containers, and cleaned out the pots and the strainer, I left the kitchen to watch some tv with Erin.  A few minutes later, when I came back into the kitchen for something, I noticed this in the sink …

Yep, it’s just what it looks like.  A small piece of leftover spaghetti that didn’t get washed down the drain, in the undeniable shape of an ICTHUS fish.  I had to take about 10 pictures to get one that looked okay, since the stainless steel sink kept reflecting the camera flash.  Finally, Erin held a flashlight over the ICTHUS spaghetti fish, I turned off the flash, and captured the image you see here. 

What does it mean?  I made some dinner and cleaned up afterward, so I performed my husbandly duties okay.  No problem there.  I made reasonable sized servings, so no gluttony.  Should I be eating MORE spaghetti?  Is it really good for me?  Do I need to think about God more while I’m cooking, being thankful for the opportunity and for the food provided for us?  Maybe, just maybe, if I look at my sink closely enough, I’ll find a sublimal image of the Virgin Mary.  And the ICHTHUS spaghetti fish is likely sitting right where her stomach is, an obvious metaphor of the fact she carried the hope of mankind in her womb.  Or maybe, just maybe, the spaghetti poured onto the sink, this piece got stuck, some water flowed on it and caused it to move a little, and it ended up looking like a well known Christian symbol.  I don’t know. 

What I do know is that if I ever see several grains of rice clumped together in the sink in the shape of a cross, I’m going to totally freak out. 

Who Doesn’t Love a Friendly Game Of …

Um…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And This is Your Brain on Cell Phones…

The Dancing Skeleton

Seriously (in my best Seinfeld voice), what’s the deal with the dancing skeletons?  And it’s not just skeletons.  I’ve also seen dancing blonde women, dancing brunette women, dancing men, and dancing ghost-like figures.  They’ve popped onto my screen on the Weather Channel, my car insurance website, and other places.  And they almost always seem to be dancing for joy at the new low interest rates offered by national banks.  Is a low interest rate so incredible that it would cause a dead man to rise from the grave and do what would be considered a mix between line dancing, disco, and hip hop?  Frankly, they’re odd, and a little creepy.  And they do not draw my attention to the website or advertisement, only to the freaky dancing thing. 

I’m trying to think what might have inspired this pop-up-spam-banner advertisement craze, and I can only reach one conclusion.  The infamous dancing baby.  (remember Ali McBeal?) Just in case you’ve forgotten….

BVD Tour Stop XIV – Senior Pictures

Remember your high school senior picture day?  The anticpation?  What outfits to wear?  What poses to strike?  All the friends you were going to give your pictures to?  Wasn’t it exciting?  I know mine was.  So exciting, I thought it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane.  Courtesy of my friend Sabrina, owner of Photography by Sabrina, here are my BVD Senior Pictures.

 

Car Brushing

On my way to work this morning, just after getting off onto Lovell Road in west Knoxville, there was a 1990’s gold BMW behind me. A guy was driving, maybe 30-something in age. And he was brushing his teeth…in the car…while driving.

Who the heck does that??

can you count?

Can you count the piercings?

I’m hearing this may be the new look for “contemporary” worship leaders in the next 7-10 years.

bad mamma jamma punk a** pimpin for real

and these are phrases that I would like to use more often in every day life…except that I’m either too white, too dorky, too conversative, too thoughtful, too scared, or too lazy to do so…

• “dude, you’s a bad mamma jamma!”
• “i kill the fool dat took my mountain dew”
• “come on wicha bad self”
• “homey don’t play dat”
• “ooooohhhhh, yeaaahhh” (think Macho Man Randy Savage)
• “whacha gonna do, when jaybo-mania rains down, on youuu!!!” (think Hulk Hogan)
• “when the dogs are away, the cats will play”
• “you be illin”
• “i said a Big Mac with NO cheese, punk…should I repeat myself again?”
• “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”
• “Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.”
• anything else from Pulp Fiction that you can think of
• “stop looking at my butt”
• “you want some drama? believe me, you don’t want no drama.”
• “sike!”

dissed by my sis…

Kaly – my 16 year old sister – just dissed me. On this blog. A couple of weeks ago, I offered this post. It was a challenge to think, if someone said, “That’s just (your name) being (your name)” … what would that entail about you? I offered some thoughts of what it might mean if someone were to say, “That’s just Jason being Jason.”

Yesterday, my loving sister commented on this. Here were her thoughts….about me.

“He’s just congratulated me on a new album, or tried to convince me that i look like avril lavigne”
“He’s just given you all the information you could ever want on a topic”
“He’s just thrown a frisbee on grandma’s roof”
“He’s just decided to give brandon (our 19 yr old brother) an n’sync calendar for christmas, or maybe even a cardboard cutout of michael jackson”

hahaha yeahhh…

Ok, I get it. Very funny. Veerryy funny.

Yes, I do weird things sometimes. I did give my brother an n’sync calendar for Christmas once, when he was about 17. It was funny. Kaly laughed, if I remember.

Yes, I do randomly send them postcards with Missouri landscapes and write messages that say things like, “I saw the trees on this postcard, the way they stood there, round and brown and still and perfectly spaced apart, and they reminded me of you. Love, Jason”. Is that so odd?

Yes, I did mail Kaly a cutout picture of a model from a Marie Claire catalog (that did look like her – and Avril Lavigne) and congratulated her on her new modeling career, expressed confusion as to why she didn’t tell me about it, and wished her good luck. Humorous, right?

Yes, I used to collect barf bags from airplanes, and mail them to people I knew when they were sick with notes inside that said, “thought you could use this…hope you get better.”

You can actually mail a barf bag just like it is….as long as you tape up the open end. You can also mail McDonald’s french fry boxes…put a note in the open end, fold over the arched top, tape it up, write address on the box, apply a stamp…and it mails just fine. Done this several times.

So, to my wonderful sister, who could actually pass as Avril’s little sister…and who is capable of temper fits that rival any hollywood celebrity…and who likes dating boys with car names (Bentley, Tacoma, and 525i to name a few)…and who used to run out to my car excitedly when I used to come home from college to visit…and who is anxious to pursue a career in dermatology, where she is destined to invent a creme that makes freckles disappear, unless applied unevenly, which would then cause them to turn purple…I say “nice dis”.

universal texting language

Warning: this post could cause an immediate need for Advil.

?4U. and its not ru a snert. an uv, ik. no really. do u understand txting? i dnt. %-( its a wrld whr grt phrses like l8rg8r r dwnsizd 2 1 wrd. remembr whn u used 2 wrt notes on papr? aaf, i have shuboxs full of old ltrs. tbh, i enjy momnts of :’-) whn i read thm. thy were meangful. with msges like “hand”, “ly”, “bol”, & “bffl”, thy were grt bc thy reqrd effrt. u had 2 wrk a lttle to wrte 1. imho, trning ily into ily or rducing the art of gtting to no a prson in2 a/s/l and wuf smply lvs me smhid. infct, pu. jff, i thght it mght hav me bwl to mk this txt post. frt, im feeling lik (:>

let me no wht u thnk abt this post. ur rsponses cld rnge from bd 2 booms 2 sete. ur choice. b hnest. jst filb. tht wld b fbm. pls rply qik though, or ill go str8 >-( on u. thnks for rding. good lck dcphering. jtlyk, ths msg will b rveald in full. jst dqmot. bcs, ficcl. gmba….ybic…json.